The Angry Apple Bread

Why angry?  Well for starters, any recipe that requires kneading is a good one for those days when you really need to punch something.  I'm sure it's kept me from at least a handful of assault charges.

Secondly, bread recipes tend to make people angry because for some reason the waiting and the rising often lead to less than desirable results.  And thirdly, I always get angry when I realize how much time I have to wait from the time I decide to make the bread to the moment I get to put a piece of the piping hot deliciousness into my mouth.  You will discover fairly quickly that I am not the kind of person who reads ahead, especially in recipes.  So I miss the part about the waiting an hour to let it rise after kneading, and then letting it rise ANOTHER hour after shaping it before you get to bake it for a THIRD hour.  So this is not a recipe for those short on time.  Or those wanting to get to bed early.

Tonight, at about 9 PM, I decided to make apple bread.  After all, it's fall and that is the season of all things coming from orchards.  My cousin/roommate has a minor obsession with apple picking, and there is a giant bag of apples in our refrigerator from her last trip to the orchard.  So with that as an excuse, I decided to make one of my favorite breads.  I actually got the recipe from a neighbor several years ago and I tend to forget about it until fall comes around and then suddenly it's all I want to bake.

The ingredients are fairly simple:
 For the bread-
1 cup warm water 
1/2 cup sugar
1 packet dry yeast

1/2 cup vegetable oil or melted butter
2 eggs
2 tsp vanilla
2 1/2 tsp salt
1/2 tsp cinnamon
5-6 cups flour

For the filling-
3 cups chopped apples
1/2 cup sugar
1 Tb lemon juice
1 Tb cinnamon

So assuming, unlike me, you've check to make sure you have all of these ingredients before starting to put them altogether, you're good to go.  I can't tell you the number of times I've started to bake something only to realize halfway through I was missing a major ingredient.  Like sugar.  Thank God we had friendly next door neighbors.  It also led to some pretty creative substitutions and some pretty horrible failures, but that's for another post...

Anyway, first you're going to want to get out a big bowl, pour in the packet of yeast, add just a pinch of sugar, and stir in the warm water.  Let it sit for 5 minutes to activate the yeast.  It frightens me that I eat something that needs to be 'activated', but I just pretend it means I'm part robot and that calms be back down.

The lively yeast after its activation

So after you've gone to pee or run out to buy the flour you didn't realize you were missing, come back to the bowl and mix in the oil (or butter if you like it buttery tasting and rich), 2 eggs, the vanilla (no need to be precise when measuring it out), the sugar, the salt (I always measure it because I'm shy when it comes to salt and would likely put in 1/8 of the recommended amount), and the cinnamon.

Now you want to add in the flour.  This is where it gets super fun, and possibly messy.  If you have a cleaning crew, I recommend being as messy as possible because that's half the fun.  If not, you might want to be slightly more careful when it comes to measuring everything into the bowl.  I fall somewhere in between.  So measure in two cups at a time and really mix it together.  By cup 5 you should find yourself having to use your hands to get the flour really well mixed in.  Add in cup 6 slowly and continue to knead the dough until you are no longer angry and/or the dough has reached it's desirable sticky but stretchy consistency.

Now, a very important trick to making any bread is to line the bowl with oil before letting it rise.  This keeps the dough from sticking to the bowl or drying out.  I put about a tablespoon onto the bottom of the bowl, rub it around the sides, and then roll the ball of dough in the oil until it's covered in a nice glistening coat of oil.  Now cover it up with a towel and place it in the oven (make sure the oven is completely off and cool!!!).  You've got some time, so go watch Dexter.  Paint your nails.  Play a game of Monopoly.  Do some laundry.  I find myself checking the dough far to often.  It's more exciting than watching water boil, but not by much.  So find a nice distraction and when you come back, the dough should be doubled in size.

Mix the chopped apples, 1/4 cup sugar, lemon juice, and cinnamon together.  Get your dough, cut it into two pieces, and roll each piece out into a rectangle. 

Cover the dough in cinnamon, sprinkle some sugar on top, and then pour the apple mixture onto the dough.  Roll it up like cinnamon rolls or those Little Debbie's chocolate snacks, and wedge it into a bread pan (I actually used a square baking pan). 

My nicely rolled dough

Now let it sit for another 40 minutes to rise some more.  I know, at this point you're a saint if you're still following the directions.  I usually just let it sit for 20 minutes before going onto the next step.  It's better if you wait longer, but I'm an impatient child.



And this is what it looks like:

Aren't you just so proud of yourself?  If you didn't get all the way through, or you just don't like making bread, invite me over and I'll make it for you.  You'll just have to provide me with the ingredients and perhaps some good conversation.  After all, I'll be there for a few hours...

Now go out into the sunlight and preach my gospel of angry bread.